All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
