hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
