my mouth tastes like poor choices
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize