Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
