either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You made out with two different species that night
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
