Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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