i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
