You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
