He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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