mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
