Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
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