I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
