ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
