Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
