Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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