Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
