I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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