i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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