I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
