He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize