the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
