how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
