god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
