So drunk its hurt
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
