I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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