There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
