We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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