my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
