Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Randomize
