dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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