come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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