She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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