I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize