a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
