haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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