If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
