My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
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