the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
