I looked at my own cervix.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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