Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
