I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
