Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
