I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
