only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
