Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
