I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
