i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We left the knife in your bed.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
