i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
As shirtless as possible
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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