when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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