On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I checked into jail on foursquare
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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