at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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