The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
