Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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