god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
