I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
