Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize