we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
