you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
