So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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