you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
