So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
