Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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